Fireballs of the Eucharist

Early in my emergency medicine training, a woman came in screaming because of severe abdominal pain. She told the nurse she suffered similar pains in the past because of “fireballs of the Eucharist,” which we interpreted as fibroids in her uterus. She said she had not had a period for three months but was sure she was not pregnant as her periods were always irregular. She was so upset by her pain that we had a hard time getting more information from her. From the way she looked, I thought she was dying from a ruptured ectopic (tubal) pregnancy or something terrible.

She said she needed to move her bowels but was unable to do so after the nurse helped her onto a bedpan. By then, we had an IV in but she was not responding to pain medicine. In fact, she seemed to be getting worse. She screamed, “Somethings coming out down there!” I slipped on gloves and slid my fingers in her vagina. What I felt puzzled me so much that I was startled and pulled my hand back. “What?” I asked myself. I put my fingers back in to reevaluate. Now I was sure. A head!

I hollered for help and, just as I had the baby delivered, the pediatrician and obstetrician arrived to take over care of the mother and the baby. The baby was probably about two months premature. However, it was pink and crying, which is very good news for a newborn. I told the lady that she had a baby and she cried, “Oh, no! I don’t want a baby!”

At the time, my wife was at about the same stage of pregnancy with a baby that we very much wanted. That made me all the sadder for the lady and the baby.

A Wild Night in the Accident Room

I did my emergency medicine residency training at Charity Hospital in New Orleans. It was a big, inner-city teaching hospital that was always very busy with lots of sick people to take care of. Most of the surgical and traumatic problems were taken care of in the part of the emergency department known as the Accident Room.

One night, while I was on duty in the Accident Room, gunshots blasted out followed by screaming. People scattered in all directions. Others froze, too afraid to go anywhere. Soon, there was a swarm of police pressing in with guns drawn. I was kind of freaked out but also very curious about what was going on.

As it turned out, a prisoner who was there for medical care had asked his guard to let him go to the bathroom. When one of his hands was free, he jumped the guard, got his gun, pistol whipped him, fired off two shots and ran away with the gun. One of the bullets wounded an innocent bystander who had only come into the hospital to poop.

After things settled down, I took care of the injured cop who felt really bad about having let the guy get away. I also took care of three people who were trampled in the stampede that followed the gunshots. It took several hours before people were not afraid to leave the hospital as they thought the escapee might still be outside somewhere. That was a wild night.

When I saw how much these Guittard baking wafers cost, I decided to make them with the Ghiradelli chocolate chips I usually use. After refrigeration, the dough came out so stiff I could hardly form it into balls. After baking, they were great. I repeated with the real Guittard and they scooped beautifully and were delicious. So, I guess you are stuck paying almost a dollar a cookie just for the Guittard chocolate. They are amazingly rich and wonderful with a scoop of vanilla ice cream. (Breyer’s All Natural is my favorite.)

Recipe By:

San Jose Mercury News

Yield:

16

Ingredients:

2¼ cups Guittard semisweet chocolate baking wafers, 12 ounces
3 tablespoons unsalted butter
1 cup all-purpose flour
½ teaspoon baking powder
½ teaspoon salt
2 large eggs
½ cup sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla extract

Directions:

1. Heat the oven to 375 degrees. Line two baking sheets with parchment paper.

2. Using a hot water bath or microwave, melt the chocolate wafers and butter together. Stir until completely melted and smooth. Set aside to cool.

3. In a small bowl, combine the flour, baking powder and salt. Set aside.

4. In a large bowl, with a hand mixer, beat together the eggs, sugar and vanilla until pale yellow and slightly thickened, 2 to 3 minutes. Stir in the cooled melted chocolate mixture. Gradually stir in the flour mixture until just incorporated. Cover the dough with plastic wrap and refrigerate for at least 15 minutes or up to overnight. (I would skip this step and just scoop them out.)

5. Scoop 2-inch mounds onto the prepared baking sheets. Mine didn’t spread out at all.

6. Bake for 12 minutes, or until crusty on the outside but soft in the center. Leave the cookies on the baking sheet for 3 to 5 minutes to firm up, then serve immediately. Store in an airtight container at room temperature for up to 1 week. Reheat to achieve the molten chocolate gooeyness by microwaving them for 10 seconds.

Meagan is a paramedic who asked me for a Tad Bag. She shared this picture of her cat sitting in the bag. She shared this picture with me and I share with you.